Wasn't Asked? Don't Tell

Unsolicited advice is rarely about the person receiving the "help" and almost always about the giver. It's natural for some of us to criticize another person's actions, demeanor, dress, posture, the list goes on, but without being specifically asked, the advice usually goes in one ear and out the other. (I'm not speaking about performance reviews, however, where it's incumbent upon managers to accent the positive while coaching on the negative.)

The fact is, unless you are directly asked about one's actions, demeanor, dress, posture, etc., zip it. In rare cases, the other person will be grateful for and act upon the well meaning advice, but usually not. Those of you quick to point out others' shortcomings know keeping quiet isn't easy; certainly not for this Miss Know-it-all. I find dining situations especially frustrating, as I look at the table next to me and think, "That girl is so darling, if she would only hold her knife and fork correctly, she'd be perfect!" My impulse is to go all etiquette on the poor thing and give her a hands-on demonstraton right then and there.

The bottom line is, the next time you feel the urge to "help" the gum-chewing sales clerk by suggesting she toss the Trident, or when you just know that the guy on the bus would want to know that the fabric label on his coat sleeve should have been removed the day he bought it, take a deep breath and instead, focus on what improvements you yourself might wish to undertake to be even more elegant. If you weren't asked, don't tell.

Total Image Management® Seminars

Many readers have asked when I will offer my Total Image Management^® seminar this year. I'm happy to announce that it will be held Wednesday, May 4th, at The Ritz-Carlton, Pentagon City (and will be repeated Monday, October 3).

Total Image Management^® is a systematic process that helps professional women project their very best selves to the world, and manage that image as they build long-term, mutually beneficial relationships with co-workers, clients and customers.

Back in 2009, I took this seminar on the road and had the chance to work with a number of women who wanted to accelerate their professional development and find more rewarding work, pursue promotions, and more than a few wanted to re-enter the workforce with more confidence. I've made some changes to the original program, making it more relevant for 2011.

This year's version of Total Image Management ^® is more streamlined, more hands-on, and is only one day instead of two. It's also half the price: $799*, but if you register before March 31st, you can save $100! Email me if you'd like a copy of this year's agenda or wish to inquire about a group discount.

Click here to register for this unique professional development learning event!

*Price includes breakfast, lunch, course materials and a dynamic, 90-day business development/job search plan with 30 days of post-seminar access to me by phone and email.

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

I love helping people prepare for professional headshots. Because a picture is worth a thousand words, it's very important to make every effort to shine when in the spotlight! By managing the details of hair, make-up, clothing and accessories, you can turn an average photo into something more - something that will actually convey your confidence and competence to others in an instant.

In the last few months, I've had the pleasure to work with two dynamic women who needed publicity photos. Below is a great shot of Roberta Matuson, author of "Suddenly in Charge, Managing Up, Managing Down, Succeeding All Around." I knew we needed to play up her beautiful eyes with the perfect blue blouse. Her suit conveys professionalism, and her hair and make-up are sleek and polished. Makes you want to buy and read her book, doesn't it?!

Next up is the lovely and talented Lisa Morton. She's finishing a book on black women and depression due out any minute (keep watching at Amazon.com). Lisa wanted a sophisticated look, to appear in-control yet approachable. In both shots we played up Lisa's beautiful skin tone using a neutral on the left and some major color on the right (she's so fab, she can manage both approaches). Do you think we achieved the goal? 



Sex, Politics and Religion

We've all been taught to steer clear of the topics of sex, politics and religion in polite conversation. However, in Washington, DC, it's simply a matter of time (three seconds?) before someone let's you know where they stand politically. When a person at a networking event let's me know within minutes she is pro-choice or vegan or ultra-conservative or a supporter/non-supporter of drilling/nuclear/wind/solar energy, I usually move on rather quickly to someone else to discuss business, the networking event itself, or maybe even the weather, rather than where we stand on controversial issues (that can come later when we know the other person better). The beauty of working the room is that we have the ability to move on. When you're a member of an audience, however, it's another story.

Tuesday night I had the great pleasure of listening to the popular and talented mezzo-soprano Joyce DiDonato at the Kennedy Center. And while I enjoyed her singing very much, her comments about what news programs she likes and dislikes, and her feelings about the recent events in Egypt, left me wanting to move on to someone who would simply discuss the music.

Next time you meet a possible connection/connector for the first time, be mindful of bringing up subjects that may leave a sour taste. Especially in Washington, it's best to hold your cards until a more appropriate time to reveal one's political leanings.

Big Girl Panties

You've heard the expression, "Pull on your big girl panties," haven't you? It's a call to act like an adult in a given situation, usually directed toward a woman. "Come on, Gretchen," my husband might encourage as we scale a major hill on a bike ride, "pull on your big girl panties and shift into low gear - you can do it!"

Today, however, I mean "big girl panties" in the literal sense. If you're over 16 years old and anywhere past the 125 pound mark on the scale, you need serious foundation garments if you're going to look like an adult with well fitting clothes.

Spanx, Yummie Tummie and Wacoal all make wonderful underwear designed to lift and separate, smooth and shape, and help sort out the junk in the trunk. Regardless of one's size, be it petite, missy or plus, the right foundation garments will add support and give shape to a woman's body.

Ladies, if you're not going to wear control-top hosiery (pantyhose or opaque tights), please consider adding a tad more compression to your bottom line. You'll look a few pounds slimmer, and your clothes will fit better. And who knows, you'll probably take any steep hills you encounter during the day with more skill and confidence, and of course, more elegance.

Complimentary Business Etiquette 101 Booklet

We continue to get requests for the booklet, "Business Etiquette 101 - 30 Absolutely, Never Evers for Business, Dining & First Impressions." This tiny book is filled with great advice for new professionals and seasoned execs, such as:

• Absolutely never ever appear too casual for a business situation. This means no flip-flops, sneakers, jeans or t-shirts. This includes any "casual day" - remember, you're at WORK.
• Absolutely never ever lose your cool. Keeping your emotions in check at all times makes you a professional.

Readers of this blog may get a free copy ($6.00 value) by sending an email request with their mailing address.

Who Said There Was a Problem?

The proper response to "thank you," is "you're welcome." Over and over again I hear sales clerks, waiters and various other customer-facing service people use "no problem," or worse, "no worries," when replying to someone saying thank you. When one is paying for a meal and tells the waiter they enjoyed themselves, the answer is NOT, "no problem." When one asks for directions and thanks the person, the answer is NOT, "no problem." Whoever said there was a problem to begin with?
Managers, please coach your sales team to reply with any of the following when working with customers who say thanks:

• You're welcome;
• It was my pleasure;
• Certainly, you're welcome;
• Of course, it was my pleasure, we hope to see you again soon.

Instant Confidence - Sometimes on Sale!

Nothing makes me happier than to introduce men and women to brands of clothing they never heard of or never tried, often to hear, "Wow! There's a reason this stuff costs so much - it makes me feel 10 feet tall."

That's how I felt many moons ago when I was introduced to St. John, a high-end line of knitwear still made in the USA. Many of the women execs I work with discover the instant confidence that one feels the minute the jacket gets zipped, buttoned or tied. To be sure, St. John isn't for everyone, and it's price point can rival a few car payments, but make no mistake, wearing St. John makes a statement. Those who wear it are saying they have arrived and mean business.

These two jackets just happen to be on sale at Nordstrom. On the left, St. John Crinkle Knit Blazer ($1295 now $514); on the right, St. John Collection 'Parisian' Windowpane Plaid Knit Jacket ($1595 now $694).

Five Steps Out of the Frump Zone

After the age of 40 or so, women tend to lean into what I call the "Frump Zone." Those in the Zone haven't had a proper bra fitting, don't wear shapewear, haven't changed their hairstyle in the past 5 years, think of shoes only in the context of comfort, and never try on something new or different, be it a style, cut or color.

If you see yourself heading toward the Frump Zone, or feel you've never left, January is a great time to freshen things up and get your game back!

1. A properly fitted bra will make you feel like a million, regardless of your size. Seek a qualified professional to measure you and try on lots and lots of styles to find the one perfect for you. You'll stand taller, look slimmer and your clothing will fit better - guaranteed. If you gain or lose 10 pounds, it's important to get re-fitted.

2. Shapewear is a girl's best friend. There are many garments on the market engineered to slim and trim problem areas such as tummies, back bulge, hips and thighs (Spanx, Wacoal, Yummie Tummie, TC Fine Shapewear). Again, trying on several of these items under your clothes will have an amazing impact on how you look and feel.

3. Your hairstyle should evolve with you, not stay stuck in the past. Maybe this year is the time to find a new stylist who will update your look. Many, many women are terrified of changing their hairstyle, but sometimes you've just gotta feel the fear and do it anyway (if you're a fan of TLC's What Not to Wear, you know what I'm talking about). A new do is one of the quickest and easiest ways to exit the Frump Zone. Personally, last summer I stopped coloring my hair. See above for the before and after shots. Freeing? Yes. Liberating? Yes! More youthful? You be the judge.

4. Shoes are a crucial accessory to one's overall look. If you're a working professional, your shoes should be well made and well maintained (yes, ladies should have their shoes polished regularly). Cheap shoes can be spotted a mile away, so if you're trying to let the world know you are a successful businesswoman, wear the best shoes you can afford (Ferragamo, Bruno Magli, Cole Haan, and if you've got a few extra bucks and comfort is key, check out Anyi Lu - handmade in Italy and really, really worth the money).

5. The next time you're shopping for clothes, try on some things you'd never consider before. Perhaps it's a color you'd usually pass over or a style of jacket or cardigan you'd normally say no to. Getting the help of a good sales person or better yet, a Personal Stylist, will save you time and in the long run, money, by identifying new items that are fresh, modern, and right for you.

Special Announcement

I'm delighted to announce that I am now working with Nordstrom as a Personal Stylist in the Pentagon City store (The Fashion Centre at Pentagon City, metro-DC). Nordstrom stores have been an essential resource for me for many years as I helped executives put together working wardrobes. Partnering with such a well respected store allows me to connect with many people who understand how important it is to dress the part for a successful interview, convey confidence with clients, or connect well with others at networking events. We only get one chance to make a great first impression, and what we wear speaks volumes before we say our first words.

If you or someone you know lives in the Washington, DC, area and would like to make an appointment for this complimentary service with me, it's easy to do. Just call the store at 703-415-1121 ext. 1455, or send me an email.

Wishing you a Healthy and Happy New Year!

Dwelling on Past Mistakes?

My pal Julie, an incredibly gifted and creative marketing exec, recently took a job she was certain would be fantastic, only to find three or four weeks into things that the new organization was rife with problems, infighting and chaos. Julie made a quick exit and is now looking for a new opportunity, but her confidence, she tells me, is shaken. "How did I make such a bad choice?" she asks herself constantly, and the follow up to that of course is, "Will I do it again?"

Today's Wall Street Journal article about the parallels between professional athletes who encounter slumps (such as Jack Nicklaus and Alex Rodriguez) and executives who lose their swag is worth reading, particularly if you've been second guessing yourself. According to the WSJ, the ways in which self-confidence and a more positive attitude are regained for golf greats and baseball legends are the same for the rest of us.

The article lists some tips to silence those inner negative voices, including a favorite of mine: "List your strengths and assets and refer to the list in stressful moments." To get back on the All-Star roster, list 10 positive traits you bring to the table on an index card and look at it any time you feel your confidence falter, and remember that the first sale is always to yourself.

Tying the Knot - Plaid's Your Best Bet for Fall

According to GQ Magazine, plaid ties are all the rage this season: "We're in an era in fashion where all things traditional look modern again. Wear an amped-up plaid tie with a chambray shirt or a white oxford, and put a skinny suit on over it, and you'll look unimpeachably cool." Who among us doesn't want that?

Once you select your plaid, be it a family tartan or gorgeous Alexander Olch cashmere Glen Plaid (second from the top), learning how to properly knot the tie will separate the men from the boys. Once again, Brooks Brothers comes to the rescue with an informative tutorial here.

Never heard of Alexander Olch? Check out GQ's interview with the tie guru here.

Wearing a Scarf

If you've been watching "Mad Men," then you've probably noticed Betty wearing her beautiful silk scarves. Many women tell me they love the idea of wearing a silk scarf, but don't know how. Sound familiar? I've found a great resource - Brooks Brothers's website has a tutorial of sorts on six ways to wear a silk scarf: French Twist, Square Knot, Neck Ring, Neck Wrap, Slip Knot and Head Wrap. Check it out here.

While some say the best silk scarves come in flat orange boxes from France (Hermes), there are many other, more affordable options out there. I've gotten some outstanding bargains at Filene's Basement (Longchamp, Pucci and Yves St. Laurent). Select a classic design you like in colors that work with your basic wardrobe, and you'll wear it for years. Elegant execs know a silk scarf adds a nice finishing touch to a suit and jazzes up more casual ensembles.

Name the Dog Contest Winner

In this month's The Elegant Executive newsletter, I challenged readers to name the dog breed pictured above, with the winner receiving a free half-hour coaching session with me. Congrats to Lois from Drinker Biddle for being the first to correctly identify the breed as a Bedlington Terrier. Tune in next month for more fun, games and insight into ways to network more effectively, turning business-related encounters into mutually beneficial professional relationships. Click here to sign up for my free monthly newsletter.

No Need to Panic

Former Mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani, was given some indispensable advice at a young age by his father who told him that in a crisis situation, "Become the calmest person in the room." Mr. Giuliani credits his father's words of wisdom for saving his life during the 9-11 World Trade attacks.

Ever notice how panic helps no one? And more to the point, it makes the person falling to pieces just look bad. Self-control is the antidote to panic, and the time to practice is before a serious situation arises. The next time you feel yourself unhinging ever so slightly because the FedEx pickup didn’t happen or the meeting room you reserved for your clients is being used instead for a CPR course, take a deep cleansing breath, close your eyes, and tell yourself to act like the calmest person in the room. Open your eyes and realize that most situations can be remedied by a clear head and some quick thinking. An Elegant Executive never panics.

Professionally Persistent

Yesterday I received a sales call from someone I met recently who would like to do business. While I'm not in need of his services at the moment, I would certainly like to keep in touch. He understood that the timing wasn't right, and asked if he could be "professionally persistent" and call me next month. I almost fell out of my chair.

Yes! Please, be persistent in a professional manner. Not aggressively so: "I've been calling you for months, isn't it time we do business together?", nor the reverse, painfully meek: "You probably have found another source by now, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to make one more call."

Being professionally persistent means asking for a better time to call, and following up with confidence and sometimes a dash of humor. A case in point: I've been trying to schedule a meeting with a very important person with whom I have a strong connection, but it hasn't happened. Each time we agree on a date, she cancels, albeit with great apology. When it happened this morning at 9:00 (the 10:30 coffee date is off), I recalled the phrase I heard yesterday and told my VIP that while I was sorry we weren't going to get together, I congratulated her on her recent business coup and told her I would continue to be professionally persistent. She laughed and told me to do just that. She also thanked me for my understanding.

The Elegant Executive always assumes good intentions, doesn't let minor setbacks ruin the day, and knows that mutually beneficial professional relationships take time to nurture and grow.

Returning Calls the Old Fashioned Way

It's so easy. It's so simple. It's so rare. I'm talking about returning phone calls by phone - voice-to-voice communication, as opposed to returning a phone call with an email or a text message.

The Elegant Exec knows that voice-to-voice wins over other all other modes, except face-to-face dialogue. Our voices convey nuance and signals that help build relationships. Texting and email certainly convey information, but not humor or empathy. Besides, email isn't nearly as efficient as a good old conversation where A leads to B and then to C.

Most people find their in-boxes brimming with information they'd rather ignore and that might include your next note. Make a phone call the next time you need to connect with someone and you'll be surprised where it might lead.

Federal City Necktie

Featuring a map of Washington, DC, this necktie is perfect for the not-so-formal office, where ties are optional. It's whimsical, but not in a childish way, and says, "I'm a professional who appreciates dressing well while maintaining my own sense of style." Available at Josh Bach, it retails for $55. Other cities available: Boston, Chicago, New York, Philadelphia, San Francisco, London, Paris and Rome.

Elegance Defined

Welcome to The Elegant Executive! I'm very happy you're here and I hope you'll enjoy the information, advice and suggestions put forth to make you a more elegant executive.
For this first post, I'd like to share a definition of "elegant" that I like very much:
Very choice, and hence, pleasing to good taste; characterized by grace, propriety, and refinement, and the absence of every thing offensive; freedom from blemish, and the like; graceful; tasteful and highly attractive; as, elegant manners; elegant style of composition; an elegant speaker; an elegant structure. (Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, 1913.)

The information in this blog is aimed at helping professionals make better first impressions, feel more confident in networking situations, and ultimately become so at ease and self-assured, clients will be drawn to them like bees to flowers. It's worth the effort to make yourself more attractive to others. People buy from and do business with people they like, thus the line above, "the absence of every thing offensive," is what we will strive for.